I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
