Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You ruined the universe
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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