ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I will pee on everything he values.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
