Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
