It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize
