Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
