you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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