Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
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