there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
it was like eating out sand paper
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
