garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
