i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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