mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
