I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
