Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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