Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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