I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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