I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Randomize
