I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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