apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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