so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
