I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
