I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize