Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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