Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
