My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Dicks are not precious.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
