Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize