WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
