I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
