i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
