I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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