No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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