Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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