Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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