You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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