Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
