you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The uberlube is also flammable
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
