i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
