You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
