The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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