well I can't set my house on fire every night
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
