a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
