Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Randomize
