dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
we're making bets on your personal life
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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