I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
