my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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