dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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