the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
