my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
