So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
