When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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