whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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