Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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