matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
