hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
