a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
