I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
