Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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