You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
